A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
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The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.