I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
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Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉