Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
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I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
2022 be like
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits