*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
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Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
brian had himself a morning…
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”