If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
You Might Also Like
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Catering service
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Skills
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does