Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
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The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.