Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
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Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
iPhone X
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*