Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
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I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Hank is one in a melon.
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A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little