I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
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[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
This meal prepping shit is easy
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors