Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.