It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
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1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please