Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
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Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP