What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
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women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.