women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
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Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.