Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
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I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*