Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you