me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
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Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear