3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
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Should I call tech support or pray or what
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.