If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
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The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
That’s not how days work.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
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“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Always.
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Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
For the baby who has everything