($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
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Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket