due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
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kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Never go to sleep after making me angry
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
“I wouldn’t.”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either