due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
![]()
You Might Also Like
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
![]()