I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
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Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.