My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
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Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.