My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
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If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Science memes
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
He’s dead
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married