I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
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My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
me and my fake scenarios
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Finally, an explanation.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁