My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
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I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.