A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
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I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]