my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
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Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.