I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
You Might Also Like
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Mountain Goat : )
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
No regrets in 2018
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Just a phase…
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?