Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
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Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel