“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
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It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
what kind of cook setting is this??