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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.