“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
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[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.