She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
👾👾👾
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.