Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
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I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
This was a bad idea all around
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How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Try and stop me.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.