Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
You Might Also Like
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Gemma Correll