I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
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A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.