Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
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*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.