Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
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The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
road rage
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I beg your pardon?