I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
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Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
😅😅😅
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”