son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
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so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Phonetics