The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
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handsome & gretel
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
🤣🤣🤣
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having