My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
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Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Thrilling chase underway
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.