I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
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Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?