Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
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It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
o shit
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.