I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
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Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.