I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
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I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
new year update: losing everything but weight
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.