help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
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Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?