[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
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What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Straight people are cancelled
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”