My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
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me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…